According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
