my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
