Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
