Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
