GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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