i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
