its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
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I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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