i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
