Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
