twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
