My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
