I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
