I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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