it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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