Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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