So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
