I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
ttyl tear gas
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
