I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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