dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I deserve this hangover.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
