She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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