did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
