I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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