I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
