I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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