He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
