My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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