Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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