I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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