I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
