I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
