the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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