I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
