Well douche your snatch and let's go!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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