man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
