My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
