i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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