my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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