I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
