tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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