I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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