Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
