That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
