Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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