I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
