i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
