U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
