I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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