I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
