i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
