the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
