Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Randomize
