i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
