I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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