I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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